Updates and such...

So, I haven't updated this blog since Mackenzie was 9 months and just starting to crawl.  Well, here we are at 17 months next Tuesday, and I have yet to have a walker.  I'm trying to be patient, really, I am.  But sometimes I can't help but feel discouraged. 

The feeling of discouragement stems from multiple things.  For one, I just don't feel like I am being the best mother I can be.  I'd rather sit and play WoW (world of warcraft, yes I'm a nerd) and most times sometimes, I crave the time when she goes to bed.  I don't read to her like a good mother should.  I give her a bath every couple days, but the most her bedtime involves is brushing teeth, changing diaper, getting in jammies and a hug and kiss night night. 

When I watch C & L while my sister goes to see her PT, I spend the entire time on my recliner, watching the Today show or playing solitaire on my phone.  I feel disengaged, and frankly, I don't feel like playing the silly games C comes up with.  So, then, I feel like a crummy aunt on top of feeling like a crummy mom.

Yesterday, I felt like it was a pretty good day.  I worked out (and I'm feeling it today and feel blah and achy) for the first time in months.  It's gonna be hard to get myself into a routine, but I honestly hate how I look.  I feel frumpy and not beautiful.  Seeing all my beautiful friends doesn't help either.  But I don't see them very often. 

Which brings me to another discouragement.  I feel like I've gone through life with no true friends.  I know this is silly and, frankly, shallow, but I've been in 1 wedding besides my sisters.  And that friend who I was matron of honor for, doesn't even speak to me.  Maybe my life is just too dramatic for her "perfect" little family of 4.  Sure, I have some amazing friends now, but dropping out of college, I feel like I missed out on A LOT.  And it's getting to be more than I can bear.

**I'm so emo... sorry, but I need to get all this crap off my chest**

And I feel like Drew and I don't connect like we used to.  I feel like we're going through the motions, but I feel lifeless.  I hate going through each day with my mind wandering to the "what-ifs" of life.  I just want to yell STOP!!!

I have started reading some Karen Kingsbury books.  The first one I read was called When Joy Came To Stay.  It's a must-read if you're suffering from depression.  I don't know if I would ever check myself into a physchiatric hospital, but I am seriously considering getting some counseling.  That's all I can think of that might help.  But I find it hard, as I always have, to open up and talk face to face to someone about my problems. 

I want to raise Mackenzie in a God loving, God fearing househould.  And I feel like I'm failing.  Miserably.  My mom gave me advice today, that I should start teaching her to pray.  And I thought to myself, how do I teach Mackenzie to pray when I don't know how to do it myself?  I feel like I've been wearing this mask my whole life.  I knew the right answers, but I didn't really understand them. 

This is such a rambling post, and I doubt it makes any sense, and I don't feel like going back and reading and trying to organize my thoughts.  And this may not be all of it.  But I'm winding down now, losing energy, so I think it's time to take a break.  But I think it's time to find someone professional to talk to.  It's hard to find the light in life right now.  All the good I see if my daughter's beautiful, shining face.  I love her more than I can even explain.  Even through all this crummy crap, she keeps me going each day.

9 Months & Crawling

So... I guess I should update ya'll.  It's been a while, so I guess I owe ya that much.  ;-)

Mackenzie is now 9 1/2 (almost 10) months old!  She has grown SO much lately, it absolutely boggles my mind!  She has gone from rolling, to getting on her tummy, then screaming cause she couldn't get anywhere, to rocking back'n'forth on her hands and knees, to scooting backwards, then screaming cause she was getting farther away from her toys, to CRAWLING!  Wow! 

She's so fast now.  I've had to pay more attention to little things, like that piece of goldfish that I missed on the carpet, or those silly computer cords from Drew's latest shoot-fest on the xbox.  (Which, btw, Drew was amazing and cleaned up all the cords and now our living room looks nice and clean!)

And now, I need to worry about buying some baby gates, pronto.  She's learning to get up the step to get into the kitchen area.  And from the kitchen area, there are stairs that lead to the garage and then down to the basement.  That's my fear right now that I'll turn for a second and down she'll tumble.  So, for now, I am trying not to focus on anything other than Mackenzie while she's crawling everywhere!

If you're interested, here are her 9 month stats:

Weight: 16.6 lbs (10th %ile)
Height: 26.5 in (20th %ile)
Head: 17 3/4 (50th %ile lolz)

I have a video of the first time she really crawled.  There's crawling mixed in with some belly flops, as I lovingly dubbed them.  :-)  I'll have to post it to FB whenever I get done being lazy-momma.  hehe

Let's see... since the last time I posted... I turned the big 2-5!  I can now rent a car!  LOL!  And I am a quarter of a century old!  Yeehaw!  Mackenzie also took her first trip to the zoo on my birthday.  We had lots of fun.  :-)

And now, Lily, Mackenzie's cousin is 1 and walking!  So, yesterday, we went to the zoo again for a fun-filled, smoldering hot, day!

I can't think of much else to write now.  Hope you are having a fantastic week!

~Meg~

7 Monthday

Wow.

Today, Miss Mackenzie Danielle is 7 months old! Oh my goodness, where has the time gone?? She's getting SO big, it's absolutely crazy!

So, Mackenzie is teething, I believe. The past couple days have been interesting on the home front. And out and about front. But, for the most part, she's still been a pretty happy, smiley baby! I love her smiles, they light my life up.

As far as the teething is concerned, I can't feel any nubs of teeth coming through yet. But that doesn't mean that I don't think she's teething. She's been a drool monster for the past SEVERAL weeks.. maybe even months! Seriously, she has a faucet instead of mouth. And, she's also had a clear runny nose. And yesterday, she had a low-grade fever. All of this (plus being a cranky-puss) makes me believe it's teething time!


She's gaining on cousing Lily! Well, kind of. At least she doesn't look like Lily's baby doll in this pic:

As of Mackenzie's 6 month appointment, she is now in the 10th %ile for her weight, the 25th %ile for her height (yay!) and the 40th %ile for her head! And that's compared to babies her age!!

I don't know what else to say. Mackenzie is doing amazingly well. I love her more and more every day. I can hardly remember what my life was like before her.

Happy 7 Monthday, Baby Girl!

My, how time flies...

...when you're havin' FUN!!!

Mackenzie is now 3 months and 1 week old! I "ghetto-weighed" her a few days ago and she was 9.4 lbs! What a BIG girl!

I absolutely love being a mom. It's everything I imagined, and more. I love tickling Mackenzie and watching her facial expressions. I love seeing her lift her head and turn to see my face when I have her facing out on my lap. I love her cry, even though sometimes it's frustrating if I can't soothe her. I love waking up in the middle of the night to hold her and feed her, even though I can't do it naturally, I can still provide her what she needs.

We have much to be thankful for. Mackenzie's life and my life prove it. This Sunday will be a day etched in my memory for all time. This Sunday is the day Drew and I will give our Angel Baby back to the Lord. She is rightfully His, but he has entrusted her to us to take care of while we are here on Earth. This Sunday is also, fittingly, Thanksgiving Sunday. What a blessed day it will be! Lily, Mackenzie's cousin and future BFF, is also going to be dedicated.

It has been a long time since I have updated my bloggity-blog because, hello, I'm a busy momma! I have bottles to wash, a house to clean, bills to pay... but most importantly and excitingly, a baby to cuddle!! Sometimes, we get wrapped up in stuff we have to do that we forget to live and cuddle.

I follow one gal's blog, and she put it so beautifully... "But for now, I'm rocking my baby, & babies don't keep."

That's what it's all about. Mackenzie will not be tiny for much longer, as her 9.4 lb self proves it, and I don't want to miss a minute or a second of cuddling. Some day soon, she will be up to mischief and running all over the place, maybe getting on my nerves and making my temper flare. Well, maybe not... who could get angry at a child like mine?? :-)

The past 3 months have been... interesting and wonderful all at the same time. The first 5 weeks of Mackenzie's life in the NICU was hard. Harder than anything I've ever been through. I was there with her every day and there is not one second I regretted my time there, even though I had a maximum "holding" time so she didn't get too stimulated.

The first night home was absolute bliss. Finally having your month-old baby HOME with you.. no words could describe the feeling.

After the first night, it seems, looking back, that it's gone in a flash. Where have the past 3 months gone?? We focus so much on the future, that we forget to live in the present. And the present is just that... a present. To be enjoyed, nurtured and cuddled. I pray that I never get ahead of myself and forget to enjoy, nurture and cuddle my present, Mackenzie.

We had our "newborn" pictures taken about 2 1/2 weeks ago... hopefully when I get our proofs, I will be able to post a couple. But for now, here is Mackenzie's dedication picture.

I am a mom & I am in love...

Mackenzie Danielle is here!

Well, after a traumatic experience, Mackenzie Danielle made her appearance by way of emergency c-section on August 11, 2009 at 11:51 am.

It turns out that I had turned eclamptic and needed that baby out right then or my life, and the life of my daughter, would be in jeopardy. My dad took me to the doctor's office around 10 am or so, the doctor said I would be delivering Mackenzie within the next 24 to 48 hours, and by 11:51 she was born.

The only things I remember from that day are being wheeled over to the hospital (my dr office is next to the hospital, thank goodness), waiting on a helicopter to take off before we could get into the hospital due to safety reasons, and then throwing up (I guess that was when I was on the operating table). Then I was told that I had 3 huge seizures. My husband was rushed out of the room and a Code Blue was called and doctors came rushing in.

It's been a long journey of trying to get me back and healthy. We've been struggling with my blood pressure and just 2 days ago, I was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy. However, it is just a mild case and with the help medication, my heart can be strengthened. But with this medication, I am unable to breastfeed Mackenzie. That was so upsetting to me because that is a huge part of motherhood that I was looking forward to. To not be able to give your child food, something only you can do, was such a blow. BUT, it's not something only I can do. My sister and Drew's sister, who are breastfeeding their children, are going to donate milk for me to feed Mackenzie with. Now, that's love. If I can't give Mackenzie my milk, I would rather her get breastmilk from her aunts. And I am truly thankful. Breastmilk is the best thing I can give my sweet preemie daughter.

Mackenzie was 2 lbs 9 oz when she was born. She dropped some weight after birth, as is normal, and as of yesterday, she was back to her birth weight and almost plus 1 oz! She's growing, she's healthy and she's strong! She has her daddy's chin and nose and she is more perfect and wonderful than I could have ever imagined. I didn't know I could love anything more than I love Mackenzie.

I will post a couple pictures when I am at home. The internet at the hospital is too slow to do any uploads, lol. They will be the first time I got to see her, a few days after her birth; the first time I changed her diaper; and the second time I held her kangaroo style on my chest.

26 Weeks

So, here I am, waiting on Drew. This is probably a first! So, he took my picture before taking his shower, so I could update the blog while waiting.

We are going to start our registries today! Yay! I'm hoping that we can get a good start or finish (ya right) so it's done and over with. Then, if I want, I can always update it and add more online. We are registering at BRU (Babies R Us) and Target. I've actually already started the Target registry.

My sister, Dyan, and best friend, Sarah, are throwing me a baby shower on August 29th - so I wanted to get the registries done beforehand. So here we go!! I've heard that it's really overwhelming - but I've done my research, have a pretty good idea what we want/need. So hopefully it will go smoothly.

How far along? 26 weeks 3 days!
Total weight gain/loss: Notta clue - I have my next Dr. Appt on the 23rd - so I will update in 2 weeks :-)
Maternity clothes? Yep!
Stretch marks? Nothing new
Sleep: Starting to get uncomfortable and wake up a couple times.

Best moment this week: I thought I had a good one for this, but am coming up blank... If I think of it, I'll edit.
Movement: Every day - throughout the day
Food cravings: Here's a new one - got home from practice Tuesday night craving onion rings, so went with Brittany to Sonic and got a large onion rings that I demolished and a chocolate shake! Yumm!! Then Thursday morning, I was craving biscuits and gravy, so I helped myself to an order from IHOP! lol... oh boy...
Gender: GIRL!
Labor Signs: None - I think I've had a few BH contrax though... not sure
Belly Button in or out? Out
What I miss: Being able to have my lower back popped easily... it's so tight lately :-(
What I am looking forward to: I'm co-counseling 5th & 6th grade church camp this coming week with my mom - should be great fun! We're making flip flops with our girls - all 18 of them!
Weekly Wisdom: Don't eat a large onion ring and then forget to take your unisom that night before bed... the results are not pretty.
Milestones: It's starting to get uncomfortable when Mackenzie rolls around lol... OH, and finally deciding on her first name, Mackenzie!! Middle name to come soon :-)

We have a name!

A first name, that is. :-D

:::drumroll:::

Mackenzie!

I'm so excited to have our little girl named... now we're just trying to decide on her middle name! Woo hoo!!