Updates and such...

So, I haven't updated this blog since Mackenzie was 9 months and just starting to crawl.  Well, here we are at 17 months next Tuesday, and I have yet to have a walker.  I'm trying to be patient, really, I am.  But sometimes I can't help but feel discouraged. 

The feeling of discouragement stems from multiple things.  For one, I just don't feel like I am being the best mother I can be.  I'd rather sit and play WoW (world of warcraft, yes I'm a nerd) and most times sometimes, I crave the time when she goes to bed.  I don't read to her like a good mother should.  I give her a bath every couple days, but the most her bedtime involves is brushing teeth, changing diaper, getting in jammies and a hug and kiss night night. 

When I watch C & L while my sister goes to see her PT, I spend the entire time on my recliner, watching the Today show or playing solitaire on my phone.  I feel disengaged, and frankly, I don't feel like playing the silly games C comes up with.  So, then, I feel like a crummy aunt on top of feeling like a crummy mom.

Yesterday, I felt like it was a pretty good day.  I worked out (and I'm feeling it today and feel blah and achy) for the first time in months.  It's gonna be hard to get myself into a routine, but I honestly hate how I look.  I feel frumpy and not beautiful.  Seeing all my beautiful friends doesn't help either.  But I don't see them very often. 

Which brings me to another discouragement.  I feel like I've gone through life with no true friends.  I know this is silly and, frankly, shallow, but I've been in 1 wedding besides my sisters.  And that friend who I was matron of honor for, doesn't even speak to me.  Maybe my life is just too dramatic for her "perfect" little family of 4.  Sure, I have some amazing friends now, but dropping out of college, I feel like I missed out on A LOT.  And it's getting to be more than I can bear.

**I'm so emo... sorry, but I need to get all this crap off my chest**

And I feel like Drew and I don't connect like we used to.  I feel like we're going through the motions, but I feel lifeless.  I hate going through each day with my mind wandering to the "what-ifs" of life.  I just want to yell STOP!!!

I have started reading some Karen Kingsbury books.  The first one I read was called When Joy Came To Stay.  It's a must-read if you're suffering from depression.  I don't know if I would ever check myself into a physchiatric hospital, but I am seriously considering getting some counseling.  That's all I can think of that might help.  But I find it hard, as I always have, to open up and talk face to face to someone about my problems. 

I want to raise Mackenzie in a God loving, God fearing househould.  And I feel like I'm failing.  Miserably.  My mom gave me advice today, that I should start teaching her to pray.  And I thought to myself, how do I teach Mackenzie to pray when I don't know how to do it myself?  I feel like I've been wearing this mask my whole life.  I knew the right answers, but I didn't really understand them. 

This is such a rambling post, and I doubt it makes any sense, and I don't feel like going back and reading and trying to organize my thoughts.  And this may not be all of it.  But I'm winding down now, losing energy, so I think it's time to take a break.  But I think it's time to find someone professional to talk to.  It's hard to find the light in life right now.  All the good I see if my daughter's beautiful, shining face.  I love her more than I can even explain.  Even through all this crummy crap, she keeps me going each day.