*disclaimer - I'm not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me - I just am writing what's on my heart, and it's raw, so please excuse my whining :-)
So, since I last updated, I have seen my doctor. I didn't go into much detail with her, because honestly, if I had, I would have just been crying. I am back on my Zoloft and have made it through the first week. I also have a muscle relaxer to help with my back pain. From the first day after starting that, I have noticed a HUGE change with my pain levels! I can finally sit at the computer and not be constantly stretching, trying to get the pain to subside. My doctor also wants me to go to physical therapy to help me learn to strengthen my muscles so I don't have to be on medicine forever. Hopefully I can learn to keep my back in check on my own. But for now, the medicine is my hero.
As for my depression. It has it's ups and downs. My parents are getting ready to go on vacation and I'm happy for them. They totally deserve and need their week in Cabo. But then I cry to myself and have a pity party. I need a vacation. And when I think about it, I won't get one for a looong time. Reality sucks. Ya know? I understand why we won't get a vacation, but it still sucks! We are wanting to move, maybe this summer, and if that happens, we can't be spending the money on a vacation. Even if we don't move this summer, we can't be spending money on a vacation. We have a car payment. Drew's car (my car from HS) is going to need to be replaced before too long. It's a 99 Saturn. We are spending more than we should. I'm trying to do more cooking, but it's hard.
I wish we made more money so we had the freedom to pay bills without worrying. My sister and her husband just bought a boat. I'm happy for them. They go to the lake about every weekend during the summer. They both work really hard for their money. But sometimes I just wanna sit and pout and say it's not fair. Drew works really hard, too. And still we live paycheck to paycheck. But then again, who doesn't? Right? Wish we could win the lottery. :-) I just need time away with Drew.
So money situations suck, I think I've covered that. Now onto another area that always, ALWAYS spikes me into a depressive state.
It feels like everyone around me is pregnant. It's not fair. I just cry to God and ask why?? Why does my situation have to be different? Does He think I can't handle more? Am I only allowed one child? All my life, I've dreamed of having 2 girls. I love having a sister. And it makes me so angry to think about the fact that Mackenzie doesn't get one. Drew says she has her cousins. Sure, and she will love them like brothers and sisters. But it's not the same! She wont get the chance to stay up late, giggling and talking and hugging and loving and sharing secrets. She wont get to share a room on Christmas Eve, with the radio on playing Christmas music all night, waking up Christmas morning and waiting at the door till Mom and Dad say it's okay to come down and see all the treasures and see Jesus in the manger. It's not fair!
I need counseling. lol... I think it's gonna take more than 1 pill a day to get me past this. I thought I had decided that it would be okay if Mackenzie was an only child. Obviously, it's not okay with me. And for Drew, adoption isn't an option. I think he would have problems feeling like it's his child.
I think my body could handle being pregnant again. But maybe I'm just being selfish because I want to experience a pregnancy again. And have a second chance. Sigh.
BUT, for the most part, I feel like I'm coping better. As long as I don't think about any of the above situations. :-)
:: fyi - Mackenzie is not walking yet ::
:: also fyi - my Dr. wants me to make another follow-up with the cardiologist to see how my heart is doing ::
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::crying::
ReplyDeleteDearest Meg,
ReplyDeleteYour thoughts put out there in the open resonate so much with me. It’s hard for me to find a place to share them where I feel safe and accepted sometimes, but they do occasionally just have to get out anyway. I don’t always process them in a healthy way and eventually explode in a teary, snotty, mess on the floor – but we’re allowed. We are experiencing one of the hardest things that a person can be subjected to – the dissolving of our dreams.
First, I do recommend talking to a professional. It helped me see so many things that I was blind to because I was living in my own skin, but it also gave me a safe outlet for all those feelings of hopelessness and despair. That and my pill of choice helped me decide I did want to get out of bed and didn’t want to feel like my life didn’t count anymore. You ARE a beautiful creation loved by so many with so much potential. I know it gets hard to see that sometimes though.
I also understand how it feels to see all those bulging bellies around you and feel that pain. For me, it gets so bad sometimes that I can physically feel it. I remember vividly a couple of years ago now when I thought I was pregnant right before we went on vacation with your sister to San Antonio. Just before we left I found out that I wasn’t and we made the mistake of going to the zoo on a Sunday while we were there. I was blindsided! All those mommies and pregnant ladies pushing strollers around and kids! I drank a lot on that trip . . . :) Unfortunately, we are that age where those around us are all starting and expanding their families and we have to find ways to guard our fragile hearts. Don’t be afraid to politely send a gift card to showers or be choosy about who and where you spend your time. If they care about you they will understand, and if they don’t understand they might unintentionally make it harder on you too.
Honestly though, it’s hard to find someone who can really understand isn’t it? Your husband may come close, but it’s not the same really. And this is a club that no one wants to belong to for long, and every membership has its own requirements. No two are quite the same. Even so, it does help to find people you can talk to, and I am certainly available if you feel comfortable. I also found a great resource with discussion boards called Hannah’s Prayer Ministries (www.hannah.org). They have boards not just for those who have never been pregnant, but also if you are struggling after having a child. While our stories may be different, you are not alone my friend.
Love you,
Janell
oh hun, i am sorry you are hurting so much. as for the money part, i can totally relate, trust me.
ReplyDeleteas for the children, if i had a better heart i would lend you mine for 9 months so you could have another angel.
just know that i am always here for you, day or night, so don't ever hesitate to call. i love you!
-april
Thanks everyone, especially you, Janell. I keep reminding myself how lucky I am that I have Mackenzie in the first place. Thanks for your kind words. Love you!
ReplyDeleteHi Meg. :-) Hope it's okay that I found you and am reading!
ReplyDeleteI'm struggling - have been struggling - with the same thing for a long time. Granted, I'm already blessed with two little ones, and I know I should be grateful - and I am - but we'd always planned on a house full of kids and that's just not going to happen now. The hardest thing is learning to adjust when things don't go as planned, learning to accept the new version of our dreams. All of my friends are pregnant now too, or are trying to get that way. I hate it, hearing about them feeling the baby kicking, or the last ultrasound, or the birth stories. I want to be happy for them, but mostly I'm just jealous and torn apart inside. I constantly think, "Surely I'm just as worthy of a mother as these girls I'm friends with. Why me?" and I get to feeling even worse.
I dont' have anything helpful to say - I don't know how to get past it, either. But I wanted to let you know you're not alone in your feelings, and that I'll be thinking of you. You're a wonderful Mama, and Mackenzie sure is lucky to have you! I know she'll wonderful childhood full of great memories, even if it's as an only child. (((hugs)))
Julie, thanks for your encouragement. It's always amazing what happens after you make yourself vulnerable - you see that you aren't alone and find many people to talk to.
ReplyDelete(And of course I don't mind you finding my blog and reading!)