Facing my struggles

*disclaimer - I'm not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me - I just am writing what's on my heart, and it's raw, so please excuse my whining :-)

So, since I last updated, I have seen my doctor.  I didn't go into much detail with her, because honestly, if I had, I would have just been crying.  I am back on my Zoloft and have made it through the first week.  I also have a muscle relaxer to help with my back pain.  From the first day after starting that, I have noticed a HUGE change with my pain levels!  I can finally sit at the computer and not be constantly stretching, trying to get the pain to subside.  My doctor also wants me to go to physical therapy to help me learn to strengthen my muscles so I don't have to be on medicine forever.  Hopefully I can learn to keep my back in check on my own.  But for now, the medicine is my hero.

As for my depression.  It has it's ups and downs.  My parents are getting ready to go on vacation and I'm happy for them.  They totally deserve and need their week in Cabo.  But then I cry to myself and have a pity party.  I need a vacation.  And when I think about it, I won't get one for a looong time.  Reality sucks.  Ya know?  I understand why we won't get a vacation, but it still sucks!  We are wanting to move, maybe this summer, and if that happens, we can't be spending the money on a vacation.  Even if we don't move this summer, we can't be spending money on a vacation.  We have a car payment.  Drew's car (my car from HS) is going to need to be replaced before too long.  It's a 99 Saturn.  We are spending more than we should.  I'm trying to do more cooking, but it's hard. 

I wish we made more money so we had the freedom to pay bills without worrying.  My sister and her husband just bought a boat.  I'm happy for them.  They go to the lake about every weekend during the summer.  They both work really hard for their money.  But sometimes I just wanna sit and pout and say it's not fair.  Drew works really hard, too.  And still we live paycheck to paycheck.  But then again, who doesn't?  Right?  Wish we could win the lottery.  :-)  I just need time away with Drew.

So money situations suck, I think I've covered that.  Now onto another area that always, ALWAYS spikes me into a depressive state. 

It feels like everyone around me is pregnant.  It's not fair.  I just cry to God and ask why??  Why does my situation have to be different?  Does He think I can't handle more?  Am I only allowed one child?  All my life, I've dreamed of having 2 girls.  I love having a sister.  And it makes me so angry to think about the fact that Mackenzie doesn't get one.  Drew says she has her cousins.  Sure, and she will love them like brothers and sisters.  But it's not the same!  She wont get the chance to stay up late, giggling and talking and hugging and loving and sharing secrets.  She wont get to share a room on Christmas Eve, with the radio on playing Christmas music all night, waking up Christmas morning and waiting at the door till Mom and Dad say it's okay to come down and see all the treasures and see Jesus in the manger.  It's not fair!

I need counseling.  lol... I think it's gonna take more than 1 pill a day to get me past this.  I thought I had decided that it would be okay if Mackenzie was an only child.  Obviously, it's not okay with me.  And for Drew, adoption isn't an option.  I think he would have problems feeling like it's his child. 

I think my body could handle being pregnant again.  But maybe I'm just being selfish because I want to experience a pregnancy again.  And have a second chance.  Sigh.

BUT, for the most part, I feel like I'm coping better.  As long as I don't think about any of the above situations.  :-)

:: fyi - Mackenzie is not walking yet ::
:: also fyi - my Dr. wants me to make another follow-up with the cardiologist to see how my heart is doing ::

Updates and such...

So, I haven't updated this blog since Mackenzie was 9 months and just starting to crawl.  Well, here we are at 17 months next Tuesday, and I have yet to have a walker.  I'm trying to be patient, really, I am.  But sometimes I can't help but feel discouraged. 

The feeling of discouragement stems from multiple things.  For one, I just don't feel like I am being the best mother I can be.  I'd rather sit and play WoW (world of warcraft, yes I'm a nerd) and most times sometimes, I crave the time when she goes to bed.  I don't read to her like a good mother should.  I give her a bath every couple days, but the most her bedtime involves is brushing teeth, changing diaper, getting in jammies and a hug and kiss night night. 

When I watch C & L while my sister goes to see her PT, I spend the entire time on my recliner, watching the Today show or playing solitaire on my phone.  I feel disengaged, and frankly, I don't feel like playing the silly games C comes up with.  So, then, I feel like a crummy aunt on top of feeling like a crummy mom.

Yesterday, I felt like it was a pretty good day.  I worked out (and I'm feeling it today and feel blah and achy) for the first time in months.  It's gonna be hard to get myself into a routine, but I honestly hate how I look.  I feel frumpy and not beautiful.  Seeing all my beautiful friends doesn't help either.  But I don't see them very often. 

Which brings me to another discouragement.  I feel like I've gone through life with no true friends.  I know this is silly and, frankly, shallow, but I've been in 1 wedding besides my sisters.  And that friend who I was matron of honor for, doesn't even speak to me.  Maybe my life is just too dramatic for her "perfect" little family of 4.  Sure, I have some amazing friends now, but dropping out of college, I feel like I missed out on A LOT.  And it's getting to be more than I can bear.

**I'm so emo... sorry, but I need to get all this crap off my chest**

And I feel like Drew and I don't connect like we used to.  I feel like we're going through the motions, but I feel lifeless.  I hate going through each day with my mind wandering to the "what-ifs" of life.  I just want to yell STOP!!!

I have started reading some Karen Kingsbury books.  The first one I read was called When Joy Came To Stay.  It's a must-read if you're suffering from depression.  I don't know if I would ever check myself into a physchiatric hospital, but I am seriously considering getting some counseling.  That's all I can think of that might help.  But I find it hard, as I always have, to open up and talk face to face to someone about my problems. 

I want to raise Mackenzie in a God loving, God fearing househould.  And I feel like I'm failing.  Miserably.  My mom gave me advice today, that I should start teaching her to pray.  And I thought to myself, how do I teach Mackenzie to pray when I don't know how to do it myself?  I feel like I've been wearing this mask my whole life.  I knew the right answers, but I didn't really understand them. 

This is such a rambling post, and I doubt it makes any sense, and I don't feel like going back and reading and trying to organize my thoughts.  And this may not be all of it.  But I'm winding down now, losing energy, so I think it's time to take a break.  But I think it's time to find someone professional to talk to.  It's hard to find the light in life right now.  All the good I see if my daughter's beautiful, shining face.  I love her more than I can even explain.  Even through all this crummy crap, she keeps me going each day.