It's an adventure, Charlieeeee...

Ah, yes, I love the Charlie the unicorn videos.  However, I feel like I lose a few brain cells afterward.  :-P 

If you get a chance, or the courage, you should check it out.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YOi2kDs-LE

ANYWAY.

So, we had a little "adventure" this week.  Last Monday (the 21st), I took Mackenzie to the doctor for an ear infection.  This was only her second infection, so rock on!  Yummy bubblegum medicine, here we come! 

Here we are the following Monday evening, after bathtime, I notice two red spot where her diaper was (on her legs) and I thought it was just rubbage - hello, chubrub - so I lovingly put some hydrocortisone cream on, like I do for all her little eczema spots, and her yummy aveeno oatmeal lotion. 

Next morning, I get her up from bed and unzip her sleeper.  HELLOOOO RASH.  All. Over. Her. Body.

So, as I'm trying not to panic, I try to reassure her, comfort her and call the doctor all at the same time.  They got us in at 10 am to see a different doc as hers was not in that day.  Come to find out my poor girl is allergic to penicillin!  I guess my mom's mom was also highly allergic.  Who'dathunk?

Naturally, the doctor advises that we stop the amoxicillin immediately and just keep up the benadryl and do a dose of zyrtec at bedtime.  I thought all would get better.

Nope.  Wednesday morning it's so much worse.. my poor baby!  Now it has spread all over her body - not just spots, it was completely connected - and to her face and scalp.  She wasn't bothered much Tuesday, but Wednesday she was scratching at it and just generally fussy.  :-(  So I called the dr office again and they wanted to wait a bit to see how the benadryl took affect.  These pics are were taken at 10 am - she got a tsp of benadryl at 8 am....

Uhhh... Houston, we have a problem!!

Luckily, my doctor is an amazing Christian woman, and knows I'm a good momma, so she trusted me when I said it wasn't getting better, only worse!

On the road again.... got back in to the doctor at 12:15 - and she went to get another doctor and a student to come see.  My daughter got quite a few looks and chats that afternoon!  I hope Mackenzie's reaction was helpful to the student and doctors in the office so they can be better doctors! 

Now, we're on Day 2 of steroids and holy moly, have they made a HUGE difference!  She still has the hives, but now they are almost completely gone from her face and there are just a few spots on her abdomin and back.  The worst spots are her arms and legs, but they are gradually getting better. 

Word of the Wise:  ALWAYS trust your maternal instincts!  I thought she was worse and needed something in addition to the benadryl to get her immune system to chill, and I was right!  I thank God for giving me my maternal instincts to take the best care possible of my sweet girl, Mackenzie!

It's an adventure Charlieeeee.... Biliip Biliip  (I know you wanna go watch that video now....)

Plans with a hope and a future

The books I have been reading by Karen Kingsbury have really reached out to me.  One passage keeps coming up again and again.  It's found in the Book of Jeremiah, chapter 29, verse 11:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I have a friend who has been heading down a path of destruction the past several months.  I haven't approved of her actions, but I have tried to show her God's love through compassion and unconditional love.  No matter what she does, I will love her.  Because really, it's not her that's bad, it's the lies and evil that the devil has fed her that are bad. 

As you know, I gave up Facebook for Lent.  I have never given anything up before, but I have been doing well.  I've been praying for my friend.  I got on FB Sunday (after finding out that was acceptable!) and found that I no longer had my friend on my list.  It seemed like she had deleted her account (which I thought was strange) because I couldn't find her when I searched.  However, just today, my discipline was tested.  My mom called to let me know that she hadn't deleted her account, she simply unfriended all of us that disapproved of her actions.  My mom found out through another mutual friend and he also told us that just 9 hours previously, she had updated her status about "papers being filed."  Talk about a blow.

This is totally the devil at work!  I am praying for God to give me the words as I call her on my way home today.  I want to get the whole story.  Miraculously she finally replied to my text messages (yes, I can be quite badgering when I want to be ;-P) and I asked her if it was okay to call her later.  She said yes and something else that really broke my heart.  She unfriended us because she was embarrassed and she didn't feel worthy of our love. 

That made me think about how many people are out there that feel that way.  They shut out the Christians because they are afraid of judgement and snide remarks and "I told ya so's".  This is no okay with me.  Jesus has called us all to love.  To love the way He has loved us.  So what if she does things that we don't find acceptable?  The only way to show her the truth and light is to love her NO MATTER WHAT! 

So, please, my friends.  Pray with me.  Pray for my friend and her husband.  Pray that they see the lies that they've been believing.  Pray that I be given the words to guide her and to love her.  I'm not ready to be out of her life.  I believe God has brought us together for a reason, and I'm just hoping the reason isn't over yet. 

God wants SO much for her.  He has a future and a hope - and it's not one that will harm her, like the way she's heading right now. 

Please, Lord, work a miracle in the life of my friend and her husband.  Please use me, in whichever way you can.  I am Yours to use.  Please help her see that her life can be fixed.  Please help her see that she's worthy of love, unconditional everlasting love and compassion.  Help her see that she's worthy of YOU and Your love, that You died on the cross for HER and You want a relationship with her.  Please give her a sense of Your peace at this very moment.  I ask all this in Jesus' name, Amen.

Don't pinch me!

Yeah, it's St. Patricks Day, and I forgot to wear green.  Please don't pinch me!  I'm oh, so fragile!

In other news... the "Mom of the Year Award" goes to....

Me!  Hooray (or not)

We went to the zoo yesterday, and silly me forgot to slap some sunscreen on my sweet girl's face and hands - the only parts of skin exposed.  And I didn't have the shade out on the stroller.  It was such a beautiful day!  I just didn't think about it.  And now she's pink.  :-(  At least it doesn't seem to be bothering her.

Yesterday was a long day.  And I'm amazed at my child's stamina.  We were at the zoo by 10, walked around, ate lunch...

mmmm, cheetos...

...walked around some more.  Rode the train, rode the carousel, watched the silly polar bear do his laps around the big rock in his pool.  I knew the crash was coming...

Not even 5 minutes after we left (around 2:15 or so), she was mid-sip on her cup, and passed out, straw still in her mouth.  I wanted to get a picture, but as I was driving, I figured that'd be a bad idea.  :-)  So I just hoped she wouldn't move.  She moved, of course - then passed back out, with the straw pushed into her cheek.  That I did get a picture of.

Yes, it's okay to want to die from cuteness... I almost did.  :-)

So, we got home, changed a diaper, and went down for the real nap in the crib.  (about 2:45 now)  She played for a little while and finally zonked back out.  I was hoping for Drew to just watch her since it had been a big day, but that silly man cold was too strong.  :-P  Nah, he was really sick.  So about 4:15, I felt horrible for doing it, but I woke up my sweet girl, strapped her into the car, and took off for church.

And I was there till like 8:30.  Children's choir rehearsal, adult choir rehearsal (for our big 100th anniversary celebration this weekend!  Yeah!!) and then my trio rehearsal.  I was worried Mackenzie was gonna be so fussy, but she did really well!  That stamina I tell ya.  Must be nice.  Anywho, we got home around 9, and she went immediately to bed.  Where she proceeded to talk, kick and shake her crib till almost 10! 

She's with Gugu today, as my mom just went under the knife for gall bladder surgery.  She's out and the surgery went well, btw. 

I never know how to end my posts in a lovely way.  So here's the ending.  :-P

Will it never end?

Snow.  The dirty word.  Yet, at the same time, it's one of the most beautiful things.  Yes, it's March 14th, and we're getting snow.  At least it's not sticking to the roads!

On a more exciting note, Mackenzie is really progressing with her walking skills.  Just last night, she was able to stand by herself!  Without the help of anything or anyone, she got on all fours (like, on her feet and hands with her booty in the air), then crouched and stood up!  I'm so proud!

It's so fun watching her learn.  Every day she's learning new words and getting such a spunky little personality.

Currently, she's laying on the floor by the wall, rolling around, sucking her thumb and holding her "lovie."  Too cute.  :-)

I have been good and haven't gotten on Facebook.  I know it's not the same kind of temptation that Jesus faced here on Earth, but FB is something I like and thought it would be most similar in giving up.  If that makes sense?

Anyway, we're just hanging out in our jammies today.  The wonderful part about being a SAHM.  Guess I should go figure out something for lunch.... (the not so great part hehe)

we're pretty rad

Here are a couple pics for your viewing enjoyment.  ;-)

Born to be a rockstar

"whatever, mom"

Time to set the clocks forward an hour.  My least favorite time of the year.  I think my clocks change automatically.  If I'm late to church tomorrow, you'll know I was misinformed.  ;-)

FBAA

Hi, my name is Meghan and I am addicted to Facebook.

Seriously?  It's only been 1 day since declaring that I am giving up my FB fix for Lent.  And it's proving to be more difficult than I could have imagined!  I feel so disconnected from the world, it's ridiculous!

I have been trying to say a prayer for the unsaved whenever I think about wanting to hop on Facebook.  So that's great.  But holy smokes... ::: breathes into paper bag :::

Lent (no, not the bellybutton kind!)

I didn't make it to the Ash Wednesday service last night.  I feel kinda guilty for just picking up Mackenzie and getting home at a decent hour for her bedtime.  But it had been a long day.  I did, however, read some passages in the Bible before I got up yesterday morning.  One verse, in particular, stuck out to me.  It was from Psalms 143 verse 10 - "Teach me to do your will, for you are my God!"

Wow.

Many people think of Lent and think it's just for the catholics.  Drew saw someone at his work yesterday with ash on his forehead.  He thought it was kind of weird.  But it's not really all that weird.  Okay, yeah, walking around all day with dirt on your head is kinda funny, but the message isn't.  At all.  It's a tangible reminder of the reason we celebrate and remember during this Lent season.  Easter isn't just an ordinary day.  It's the day we have set to remember what Christ did for us.  He died, having no sin whatsoever, so that we wouldn't have to pay the price for our sins.  That's incredible!

"Teach me to do your will, for you are my God!"  I believe it's God's will for me that I pray for the unsaved, the broken, and the needy.  If I can do nothing else, I can still pray, and ask God to find a way into the hardened hearts of His people.  Some of those people are my friends.  And I really don't want to be in heaven someday and realize that I didn't do all in my power to make sure they had a spot next to me.  I felt compelled to give up Facebook because, frankly, I spend too much time on there.  I can use that time I would be scrolling through the pages to pray.

"Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est" - Where charity and love are found, God is there.

Revived again

This past week has been revival services at my church.  I can't even remember the last time I attended those special services.  I've had time, but didn't make them a priority.  I felt like the spotlight was put on my heart by Roger, our music pastor, one Wednesday evening while talking about the importance of making these services a priority.  And I am glad I went this year.  Between reading some really awesome books, the Redemption series (I'm on book 3 already) by Karen Kingsbury and starting some new friendships and also attending choir more, I've really felt God pulling me back to Him.

In the book series I'm reading, the characters have a personal relationship with God.  The kind of relationship that is more of a constant "talking" to God and hearing His whispered promises and encouragement.  Not all the characters have that though, and it truly makes me sad for them.  How much better would life be with that relationship than not?  So much!  And I see that, and I want that!  I don't know what made me pick up these books for my Kindle because I'm such a Harry Potter/Twilight nerd that it's not even funny.  Any other book I've tried to read in the past, I just couldn't get into.  I know, it's God working in my life. 

We have a new youth pastor and we've had a new children's pastor (for a while).  It's kind of funny though, last April, we attended Drew's best friend's wedding, and Jay and Kelly sang a song during the ceremony.  I didn't think much of it, but the following Sunday, I saw them at church!  We kind of made small talk and that was pretty much it.  Kelly sings in the choir and lately she has been reaching out to me.  They have invited us to Sunday school, and last Sunday, we decided to go ahead and try it out.  Despite our hesistance because of all the "seminary" folk.  :-)  Just goes to show that you can't judge a book by its cover. 

I've been praying for some good girl friends.  And here comes Curtis and Jane and their adorable daughter, Bekah.  And how small is the world??  They are from Livermore, CA!!  Hey God, I see your hand in all things and thanks.  It's so funny how God works.  I used to live in Pleasanton, which is really close to Livermore and several of my friends are from Livermore.  Again, how small is the world?  It turns out that Curtis knows my best friend's little brother! 

Anyway, I'm just in awe of how God works.  I really believe God brings people into your life for a reason.  I'm excited to see where God takes me in life and I'm excited to gain some new friendships!

I've also been thinking a lot about my life.  I've felt like I'm in a rut lately.  I have a part-time job and then I'm a SAHM the rest of the time.  But other than being Kenzie's mom, I feel like I have no purpose.  I know that's not true, but I just am bored with life.  My part-time job isn't anything exciting.  I help my dad out with office work.  But it's not my passion.  It just helps him, and helps us with some needed income. 

Last night I was trying to think about what my passion is.  And I came to the conclusion that I LOVE to sing.  And what does God do?  He brings a gal up to me after revival services, to invite me to sing in a small ensemble with her and (who else?) Kelly!  Kind of like a Barlow Girl or Point of Grace kind of sound.  I'm so excited!

I guess the whole point to my rambling and chaotic post today is that God is working - continuously - in our lives each and every day.  I've just opened my heart and mind to Him, and therefore I have started noticing His works.  And boy, am I thankful!

Mackenzie and The Dog

This week, we have had Cali, my parents Shi-tzu, at our house while Mom and Dad have been in Cabo on vacation.  I know, lucky, right?  Not us... them.  We get snow, while they get burnt.

Anyway, Mackenzie has always liked The Dog.  Lately, however, Miss Mackenzie has taken to liking to FEED the dog.  Everything.

This morning, I thought Mackenzie was hungry, so I offered her some graham crackers while playing in the basement.  She came back for more not even 2 minutes later.  I said "wow!  you've sure eaten that fast!  have another!"  Another minute later, she's back.

Then, to my horror, I look over to The Dog in her bed, as she's chowing down on something unseen.  So, I give Mackenzie another cracker, saying not to feed the doggy.  And I watch as, yet again, she "knee-walks" over to The Dog, holds her hand out, and gives her cracker over to Cali.

Ah, well... guess you've gotta pick and choose your battles.  :-)  At least they are both cute!

ZOMG!!

That's how I'm feeling right now!  So totally on cloud 9!  Why, you ask?

MACKENZIE TOOK HER FIRST STEPS TONIGHT!!!

Yeah, like ZOMG!!

I've got a video I'm trying to upload from my phone and will post it to my Facebook account as soon as I can!

Yay!

Me = one happy momma!

18 Month Update

Alrighty, so we had Miss Mackenzie's 18 month appointment yesterday afternoon.  Here are her stats:

20 lbs 8 oz (we FINALLY hit 20 lbs!!!) - 7th %ile
30 3/4 inches long - 25th %ile

So, she's small, but that's okay.  We think she'll always be petite, and there is nothing wrong with that!  Sometimes the best gifts come in the smallest packages!  :-)

The world was going to end a couple times in that small appointment room.  First, when Dr. Jen came too close with the stethascope (sp?).  Like OH EM GEE!  Second, when Dr. Jen picked her up to see what she could do, as far as standing.  Like can I hear an OH EM GEE??  Yeah.  Thirdly, when we got stuck.  Uh, huh, shot time!  At least it was only 1 - supposed to get 2 but we were 4 days too early for the hep a shot.  Only cried for a minute (shortest time ever!) while momma held her and kissed the boo boos away.  :-)  I love my job.  Most of the time.

As far as her walking is concerned, the doctor isn't happy Miss M isn't walking yet.  I told her about our First Steps evaluation and that the gal doesn't think she'll qualify.  So, we got an order to go to Children's Mercy for a physical therapy eval and treatment should we not qualify for FS.  So, that's good.  Hopefully we'll get the help M needs to get up and GOING! 

You know what frustrates me?  No?  Well, I'll tell ya.  It frustrates me because it doesn't seem like anyone else has to work with their child so much to get them to walk.  I don't know if the not walking is because M is a preemie because she's caught up in every other area.  Why isn't she walking?  I feel like a major failure as a mom.  Is there something else I was supposed to have done with her that I didn't do?  I know I'm not a failure, but when I see every. other. child walking - even those younger (by far) than M - I can't help but feel that way.  Sigh. 

And I know what you're gonna say.  You need to give it all to God.  Mackenzie will walk when she's good and ready.  God's in control. 

I know all of that.  Trusting God is ALWAYS easier said than done.  Unless you can actually put yourself in my shoes, then you don't understand.  Not really, anyway.  Sure, anyone who has a heart and/or children, understand the pressures of parenting.  They understand the worries that you face every day. 

But anywho, I know I'm not alone.  I just felt like babbling for a little bit.  It's kind of like therapy for me.  I always feel better once I get my heart down on e-paper.  :-)  Ya know?

There is always a Light in the tunnel

My Light is my Savior, my God.  And the fact that I have family and friends who love me, and I love them.

My sweet Mackenzie...

Facing my struggles

*disclaimer - I'm not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me - I just am writing what's on my heart, and it's raw, so please excuse my whining :-)

So, since I last updated, I have seen my doctor.  I didn't go into much detail with her, because honestly, if I had, I would have just been crying.  I am back on my Zoloft and have made it through the first week.  I also have a muscle relaxer to help with my back pain.  From the first day after starting that, I have noticed a HUGE change with my pain levels!  I can finally sit at the computer and not be constantly stretching, trying to get the pain to subside.  My doctor also wants me to go to physical therapy to help me learn to strengthen my muscles so I don't have to be on medicine forever.  Hopefully I can learn to keep my back in check on my own.  But for now, the medicine is my hero.

As for my depression.  It has it's ups and downs.  My parents are getting ready to go on vacation and I'm happy for them.  They totally deserve and need their week in Cabo.  But then I cry to myself and have a pity party.  I need a vacation.  And when I think about it, I won't get one for a looong time.  Reality sucks.  Ya know?  I understand why we won't get a vacation, but it still sucks!  We are wanting to move, maybe this summer, and if that happens, we can't be spending the money on a vacation.  Even if we don't move this summer, we can't be spending money on a vacation.  We have a car payment.  Drew's car (my car from HS) is going to need to be replaced before too long.  It's a 99 Saturn.  We are spending more than we should.  I'm trying to do more cooking, but it's hard. 

I wish we made more money so we had the freedom to pay bills without worrying.  My sister and her husband just bought a boat.  I'm happy for them.  They go to the lake about every weekend during the summer.  They both work really hard for their money.  But sometimes I just wanna sit and pout and say it's not fair.  Drew works really hard, too.  And still we live paycheck to paycheck.  But then again, who doesn't?  Right?  Wish we could win the lottery.  :-)  I just need time away with Drew.

So money situations suck, I think I've covered that.  Now onto another area that always, ALWAYS spikes me into a depressive state. 

It feels like everyone around me is pregnant.  It's not fair.  I just cry to God and ask why??  Why does my situation have to be different?  Does He think I can't handle more?  Am I only allowed one child?  All my life, I've dreamed of having 2 girls.  I love having a sister.  And it makes me so angry to think about the fact that Mackenzie doesn't get one.  Drew says she has her cousins.  Sure, and she will love them like brothers and sisters.  But it's not the same!  She wont get the chance to stay up late, giggling and talking and hugging and loving and sharing secrets.  She wont get to share a room on Christmas Eve, with the radio on playing Christmas music all night, waking up Christmas morning and waiting at the door till Mom and Dad say it's okay to come down and see all the treasures and see Jesus in the manger.  It's not fair!

I need counseling.  lol... I think it's gonna take more than 1 pill a day to get me past this.  I thought I had decided that it would be okay if Mackenzie was an only child.  Obviously, it's not okay with me.  And for Drew, adoption isn't an option.  I think he would have problems feeling like it's his child. 

I think my body could handle being pregnant again.  But maybe I'm just being selfish because I want to experience a pregnancy again.  And have a second chance.  Sigh.

BUT, for the most part, I feel like I'm coping better.  As long as I don't think about any of the above situations.  :-)

:: fyi - Mackenzie is not walking yet ::
:: also fyi - my Dr. wants me to make another follow-up with the cardiologist to see how my heart is doing ::

Updates and such...

So, I haven't updated this blog since Mackenzie was 9 months and just starting to crawl.  Well, here we are at 17 months next Tuesday, and I have yet to have a walker.  I'm trying to be patient, really, I am.  But sometimes I can't help but feel discouraged. 

The feeling of discouragement stems from multiple things.  For one, I just don't feel like I am being the best mother I can be.  I'd rather sit and play WoW (world of warcraft, yes I'm a nerd) and most times sometimes, I crave the time when she goes to bed.  I don't read to her like a good mother should.  I give her a bath every couple days, but the most her bedtime involves is brushing teeth, changing diaper, getting in jammies and a hug and kiss night night. 

When I watch C & L while my sister goes to see her PT, I spend the entire time on my recliner, watching the Today show or playing solitaire on my phone.  I feel disengaged, and frankly, I don't feel like playing the silly games C comes up with.  So, then, I feel like a crummy aunt on top of feeling like a crummy mom.

Yesterday, I felt like it was a pretty good day.  I worked out (and I'm feeling it today and feel blah and achy) for the first time in months.  It's gonna be hard to get myself into a routine, but I honestly hate how I look.  I feel frumpy and not beautiful.  Seeing all my beautiful friends doesn't help either.  But I don't see them very often. 

Which brings me to another discouragement.  I feel like I've gone through life with no true friends.  I know this is silly and, frankly, shallow, but I've been in 1 wedding besides my sisters.  And that friend who I was matron of honor for, doesn't even speak to me.  Maybe my life is just too dramatic for her "perfect" little family of 4.  Sure, I have some amazing friends now, but dropping out of college, I feel like I missed out on A LOT.  And it's getting to be more than I can bear.

**I'm so emo... sorry, but I need to get all this crap off my chest**

And I feel like Drew and I don't connect like we used to.  I feel like we're going through the motions, but I feel lifeless.  I hate going through each day with my mind wandering to the "what-ifs" of life.  I just want to yell STOP!!!

I have started reading some Karen Kingsbury books.  The first one I read was called When Joy Came To Stay.  It's a must-read if you're suffering from depression.  I don't know if I would ever check myself into a physchiatric hospital, but I am seriously considering getting some counseling.  That's all I can think of that might help.  But I find it hard, as I always have, to open up and talk face to face to someone about my problems. 

I want to raise Mackenzie in a God loving, God fearing househould.  And I feel like I'm failing.  Miserably.  My mom gave me advice today, that I should start teaching her to pray.  And I thought to myself, how do I teach Mackenzie to pray when I don't know how to do it myself?  I feel like I've been wearing this mask my whole life.  I knew the right answers, but I didn't really understand them. 

This is such a rambling post, and I doubt it makes any sense, and I don't feel like going back and reading and trying to organize my thoughts.  And this may not be all of it.  But I'm winding down now, losing energy, so I think it's time to take a break.  But I think it's time to find someone professional to talk to.  It's hard to find the light in life right now.  All the good I see if my daughter's beautiful, shining face.  I love her more than I can even explain.  Even through all this crummy crap, she keeps me going each day.